I’d spend days making coffee I wouldn’t drink, sitting in chairs that were uncomfortable, and I only slept when my body gave up. I just didn’t know how to live in a world in which she wasn’t. I pretended only to function.
The police took all my baby girl’s belongings from the accident scene for evidence. Despite their kindness, it felt as if I were robbed.
I pretended only to function.
I remember sitting in a dull gray room, tears streaking down my cheeks, while signing a form that listed everything she had with her: her backpack, glitter sneakers, the sunflower sketchbook she started drawing in the night before, her sparkly purple headband, and the yellow sweater.
That sweater.
It was her favorite. A soft, bright yellow one with tiny pearl buttons. She wore it almost every weekend. It made her look like a walking sunbeam. I could spot her across any playground when she wore it.
She wore it
almost every weekend.
It made her look like a sunbeam and smelled like crayons, vanilla shampoo, and the faintest hint of peanut butter from school lunches. And now it was locked up in some evidence bag in a drawer I’d never see.
That morning, I sat at the kitchen table in Daniel’s oversized sweatshirt, hugging a mug of coffee I had already reheated twice. The mug said “Best Mom Ever” in colorful marker, a Mother’s Day gift from Lily.
I kept telling myself to drink the coffee, to do something normal, something human, but my hands wouldn’t move.
I hadn’t drunk from it since, but that morning, I needed something that still had her fingerprints on it.
And now it was locked up
in some evidence bag
in a drawer I’d never see.
Daniel was still asleep upstairs, breathing heavily the way he had since the accident. My poor husband hardly left bed anymore, and when he did, it was as if he were haunted.
I didn’t want to wake him. He barely slept through the night, tormented by guilt and nightmares I couldn’t soothe.
I didn’t have the strength to talk, so I just sat there, staring out the window into the fog that had settled over the quiet backyard.
Then I heard it.
