Hope.
He stepped inside as if entering a church after breaking something sacred.
A rocking chair sat near the window with a folded blanket over one arm. On the side table was a half-finished bottle of water, a pair of reading glasses, and a notebook.
Emily’s notebook.
Mark picked it up.
The first pages were lists.
Diapers, wipes, preemie clothes, bottle sterilizer.
Questions for Dr. Patel.
What if Baby B’s heart rate drops again?
Ask about cord compression.
Hospital bag checklist.
Then the lists turned into letters.
Dear Grace,
Today you kicked so hard I spilled tea on my shirt. Your father said you’re already dramatic. I think you’re strong.
Dear Lily,
You are the quiet one on the monitor, but I know you’re listening. I can feel you move when I sing.
Dear Hope,
Your sisters always start the party first. You wait. Maybe you’ll be thoughtful. Maybe you’ll surprise us all.
Mark sat down heavily in the rocking chair.
There were no letters from him.
No notes in his handwriting.
No little messages to daughters who had arrived while he cut cake with a woman from his past.
He turned another page.
The handwriting changed slightly near the end, less tidy, more hurried.
If something happens and Mark isn’t here, I need someone to know: I tried. I tried to keep asking. I tried to explain that I was scared. I tried to make him understand that being alone in a marriage is sometimes worse than being alone outside one.
Mark stared at the words until they blurred.
Below that, Emily had written one more line.
After they’re born, I can’t keep teaching him how to choose us.
He closed the notebook.
Night settled over the house.
He did not turn on the lights.
At 9:42 p.m., his phone buzzed.
Madison.
He almost ignored it.
Then he answered.
“Mark,” she said, her voice soft and careful. “I’ve been trying to reach you.”
He did not speak.
“I heard Emily left the hospital,” she continued. “I’m sorry. That must be stressful.”
The word stressful stirred something cold in him.
“My daughters were born.”
A pause.
“Yes. I know. Congratulations.”
Congratulations.
As if he had received a promotion.
As if nothing had happened between the hospital alarms and the cake knife.
“Hope almost didn’t make it,” he said.
Madison was silent.
Then, gently, “But she did?”
He stood in the dark nursery.
“Yes.”
“That’s wonderful.”
Her voice was polished smooth, but he heard what he had refused to hear for years. Madison knew how to sound sympathetic without becoming involved. She knew how to stand close enough to be desired and far enough away to remain untouched by consequences.
“I need to focus on finding Emily,” he said.
“Of course.”
Something in her tone tightened.
“But Mark, before you spiral, remember that Emily has always been emotional. Pregnancy probably made everything feel more dramatic. Once she calms down—”
“Don’t.”
