No explanation, no goodbyes, and no mention of the children. My heart was shattered.
I sat down hard and read it again and again, as if the words might change if I stared long enough.
Then Sophie walked into the kitchen in her pajamas, wrapped both arms around my leg, and looked up at me with Robert’s eyes.
“Mama, juice?”
That’s the moment my life split in two.
My heart was shattered.
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***
My mother called back.
“Margaret, listen to me,” she said after I told her. “This is a sign. Let the system take the children. You are young and still have a life ahead of you.”
“They’re upstairs, Mama.”
“They are not your responsibility.”
“I can’t send them away.”
“Don’t be foolish!”
“I said I can’t.”
She hung up.
She wasn’t the only naysayer.
“This is a sign.”
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***
By the end of the week, my aunt had called, my two cousins, and a family friend who’d known me since childhood. Even some of Robert’s relatives called.
Every one of them said some version of the same thing.
- The children could be placed in the system.
- I was too young to throw my life away.
- Someone else could handle it.
I listened politely, then I looked at the children around my kitchen table and knew I could never let them go because I love them as my own. I knew it would be difficult, but I followed my heart.
Robert’s relatives called.
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***
At the county office, a woman with kind eyes sat across from me with a stack of papers.
“Are you certain?” she asked. “Emergency guardianship is only the first step before adoption. Ten children are a great deal for one person.”
“I know.”
“This will take time.”
“I know.”
“There’s no shame in stepping back,” she insisted.
“This will take time.”
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I thought of the children.
“They already call me Mama,” I said. “I cannot walk away from that.”
My signature came out crooked because my hand wouldn’t remain steady.
The adoptions took years to finalize, but in my heart, they became mine that day.
The first year nearly broke me!
“They already call me Mama.”
***
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I worked days at a fabric warehouse and nights sewing uniforms for a local school district. Amanda learned to cook simple dinners. Derrick took over the lawn. Sue managed the laundry. Jacob and David fought over dishes, mostly so they could splash each other!
Some nights, after everyone was asleep, I sat at the living room table and wondered why Robert had left.
Maybe he’d met someone else.
Maybe he had debts I never knew about.
Maybe raising so many children had finally become too much.
Maybe I hadn’t been enough reason to stay.
I never found an answer.
Sue managed the laundry.
